I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
