I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Randomize
