i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
