She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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