Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
