the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
