He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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