No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize