When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Randomize
