In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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