Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
