I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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