yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
