i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
