my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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