Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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