Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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