It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
