How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
