You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Cover your peen. We're going out.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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