never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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