I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
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