I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
We just shotgunned beers for America
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
