That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
