its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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