Define "chronic" masturbator.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
My life is pants optional.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
