god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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