God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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