I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Randomize
