The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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