If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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