I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
