If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
