Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I don't deserve a penis
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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