i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I could make wine with my vomit
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
