I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
