She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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