i'm signing you up for texting rehab
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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