My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
