and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Sober January is a disaster.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize
