3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
