Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize