I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
