A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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