You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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