I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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