you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
