My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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