So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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