I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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