Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
