We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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