we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
