Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Randomize
