M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
