Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
