I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
