she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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