The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Randomize
