so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I supernannyed him into submission
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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