My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
