You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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